Category Archives: Uncategorized

I was at the Giants game last Monday night. It’s no mystery I LOVE the Giants … I’m a huge fan of “game day” and can “rally” like the best of them. And though we have a really fun family … I felt so ALIVE and so FULL that I literally forgot “life” outside the stadium existed.

I was part of a meeting recently and left laughing pretty hard … Not because of something that’s particularly easy to explain or because the name “Kyle” would be “laugh out loud” funny to anyone else … I left there just plain happy and full of “what ifs” …

A few weeks before that, I filled out a questionnaire for a conference I’m attending in November. This person I’m going to see is a SUPERSTAR in her own right and influences people all over the world. Her team sent a list of questions that when taken seriously (which I did) cause you to stop, reflect and DREAM about all that could actually be possible.

Last month I spent a long weekend in the desert. It’s my Disneyland. It’s life giving and full of the most amazing connections and stories and common interests of people from every walk of life and from every corner of the world. It’s a place where you literally celebrate and party and love everyone around you while giving the deepest thanks for “this thing” we’ve partnered with years ago. I left with my head in the clouds, my feet off the ground, tired and a little remiss from the 4 day buzz … but so alive!!!

In June I had a life-altering, transformational experience while “accidently” attending Unleash the Power Within. I had NO IDEA what I was getting into nor “prepped” the way some might encourage you to do. I went knowing I had a good life and left feeling as though I could conquer the freakin’ world. At the risk of sounding cheesy or conceded or vein … I left thinking “Jen Moody, you are awesome!” LOL!!! To date is would rival being the most powerful, electric, life changing event I’ve ever been part of. I laughed until I cried and cried until I laughed. I journeyed through my past and made declarations about my future.

This year has been the best kind of crazy. It’s been one experience, after the next, after the next. after the next. The most uncomfortable situations have become my new normal and simple things have taken a front seat. I’ve been introduced to a love I didn’t know existed through my niece and nephew … I’ve humbly asked for help a BILLION times … I’ve been stretched physically, emotionally and spiritually and have the biggest smile knowing I’ve encountered and been part of some really significant “moments”. Even Roseville is a place I’ve fallen in love with … who knew! And just as life is continually full of “heart tension(s)” and clearly I make no claims about having any profound revelations or age-old answers, have come to appreciate and recognize that something in me and in this journey, as of late, has my full attention.

I’m a dreamer and the dreamer in my wonders if the experiences mentioned above have always been there and are available to us daily. What if … IN THIS LIFE we can have and contend for and attract the deep desires of our heart. The Dreamer in me wonders “if” … and is continuing to BELIEVE that maybe our dreams DO come true. As life ebs and flows we (I) get caught up in the twists and turns so much that I forgot there’s beauty in that very process. Its more than ”clock in and clock out” it’s more than a lifeless sigh that says “Well, I hope it works” or “this will do”. What if … and I promise I’m not trying to get “preachy” but honestly … WHAT IF the things we dream about in our “perfect world” might actually manifest. What if we started living with more instinct and less calculation. I think our spirit longs for things we quickly discount as being lofty or unrealistic. Well … what if, even if briefly, we act(ed) a little bit unrealistic.

The thought I’m currently shaking hands with, is this:
WAIT for what you want and allow yourself (even if the process isn’t perfect) to be blown away!

The smartest thing I’ve heard in a long time is this:
The problem with people is that they’re waiting for their life to start!
“when we get married life is gonna start”
“when we have babies life is gonna start”
“when we have moneylife is gonna start”
NO … Life is happening NOW!
Don’t wait for life to happen!
-KVM

And the thing I’ll end with is this:
That thing YOU want … wants you. It’ll chase you if you let it.

We are worth it and HE made it available for us!

Life is precious. It is taking heart in the little things … It’s give and its take. It’s getting blessed and being a blessing. It’s action steps. It’s resting. It’s asking for help. It’s making the most out of every moment. Its being present! It’s the recognition that we are alive and this life is worth embracing.

I know I’m a dreamer but I’m also a believer and currently believing my dreams are coming true!

Love, Love, Love
And thanks for helping me get to this point as my life is living proof of people helping people!

He is always good.
He is always on time.
He is a creative and He is funny.
Thank you Jesus!

Love Yo-Self!!!

Feels like HOME!

In the months following my move from Denver I’ve been obsessed with making sure I found “the right” fit. I have contended for an upgrade and have sarcastically referenced this season in my life as just that … “Operation Upgrade”. I have prayed for the more … I’ve prayed for bigger and better … I’ve prayed for and have even felt this sense of entitlement around wanting, needing and deserving things I thought were going to make me the happiest I’ve ever been.

I’ve spent a good amount a time in Southern California … I’ve taken a variety of extended trips … I’ve met up with old friends while finding a way with new ones all in an effort to help solidify the next chapter.

I originally came to Roseville by default (kicking and screaming mostly) and had only anticipated it being a place I used as a temporary stop, while “the bigger and better” worked itself out. My sister and her husband and the babies live in Roseville so it was the easiest place for me stay while searching for a new home. However after months of travel and rest and new searches … one thing remained. Every time I left I did so full of excitement and anticipation knowing that eventually my leaving Roseville would mean I was one step closer to the start of something brand new. The irony though is the more I left, the more I kept wishing I were back. I wouldn’t get far before immediately feeling like I was missing out on something. I found myself wanting to go to yoga or see the littles or wish I were at church or meeting up with my sister at the Fountains. I left more times then I could count until eventually I realized … Why do I keep leaving a place I love. Why am I running from a place I’m starting to find my way in. And why am I excited to come “home” every time I go looking for a new “home”.

Home isn’t exactly what I thought it would be. It didn’t require a moving truck nor was it as glamorous as I had envisioned it being 3 months ago. Home now is where my heart is. It’s where I have the the biggest smile! It’s simple and rewarding. I thought bigger and better meant beachfront property in Malibu … I thought an upgrade looked like dating Tim Tebow while traveling around the world singing when in reality my bigger and better actually meant coming back to Roseville every time I left. My new home was found each time Mila and Matias greeted me with squeals and my Operation Upgrade was this tiny voice that said, Do you want a good thing or do you want a God thing? In the midst of me actively looking for what’s next … Jesus was arranging the now. At the risk of sounding super cheesy … I am FULL knowing I have a relationship with my niece and nephew. My heart if full knowing I am connected to people I haven’t seen in years. And watching my “unemployment status” take a turn for the better when I got an offer with a company that literally makes NO SENSE (in the most amazing way possible) is evidence the Lord is at work. All these things are part of the Upgrade and though much different then I envisioned … right on que for what’s to come.

To that I say … Thank you Jesus for knowing me better then I know myself!
To that I say … Don’t look for something good when what’s great is right in front of you!
To that I say … Continue letting good things take a back seat to God things!

I’m confident lifes re-routes will eventually take us to the place we were created to be. Past, present and future … PTL!!

The Morning After …

For weeks now I had agonized, stressed and was nervous about how I was gonna feel waking up on what would have been my wedding day. Would I be happy or sad or pissed or scared or relieved or grateful? I had so much anxiety and had put so much pressure on myself to be in a specific space emotionally that I hardly slept three nights prior. The build up to this ONE DAY would probably make for good TV while recognizing and embracing this process, for better or worse has come in its own way. I didn’t know who I wanted to spend the day with or if I wanted to be accessible or be vulnerable or just fly the coop. I didn’t know if spending the day with Jesus might be better than with family and friends nor could I decide what “things” I wanted to do in an effort to keep busy. I was literally driving MYSELF crazy!!!

For whatever reason … the stress built and built and though I did feel a version of some of those things most notable was that yesterday was actually “just another day.” It wasn’t my wedding day … it wasn’t the day I had dreamed of and waited for my whole life nor was it a reminder of all that was lost or of all the pain. It was actually just a “normal” day orchestrated by some of my favorite things. I was greeted with coffee, sun, sand and friends. I shopped and soaked and prayed and laughed and embraced “life” happening all around me. I passed by bums on the street, kids playing on the beach, people running on the trail and union workers fixing an oil leak. It was innate and almost unconscious. It was peaceful. I wasn’t in my head all day about what this day was going to be like two months ago but was genuinely grateful for what it was supposed to be now. I was grateful for what I’ve been shown in the last few weeks and for what I’ve experienced … the good, the bad and the ugliest of ugly.

I remember months ago someone asked me … What do you envision your wedding day being. And I answered in the most authentic way I knew how at the moment. I want to feel confident and beautiful and loved and be in an amazing space surrounded by people I “do” life with. I dreamed of laughing so hard I was crying and dancing like it was my full time job. The irony … Monday night was ALL of those things. I can confidently say it was the silver lining to a very interesting season and a gift from Jesus himself. I was surrounded by the best people I know. I felt alive and present and relaxed and excited and attentive and in a weird way kinda sexy. Why… I’m not sure but I kind of did so thought I’d throw it in! 🙂 I was in the most beautiful place … I ate the most ridiculous food and laughed so hard that at one point I literally stopped breathing. It wasn’t forced … it was unassuming. I didn’t TRY making it happen … it just did. We proceeded to dance like we were on stage with JT and JLo and celebrated life while recognizing the chapter that ended was preparation for all that’s to be written next. So in a weird way … it was in fact the very day I had envisioned.

All of this to say …
What He brings you to … He’ll bring you through.

All of this to say …
There is power in prayer and in community.

All of this to say …
His grace IS sufficient.

All of this to say …
He sees and knows the desires of our hearts and will turn every situation around for His good.

Feeling blessed. Feeling loved. Feeling grateful.

Tiny Voices

In truth I’m overwhelmed by the sweet messages, texts, emails, phone calls and comments. I have joked that I’m not currently the best version of myself but appreciate (more then you know) the amazing, supportive friends I have both near and far.

If I’m honest the hardest part of this particular transition are these tiny little voices … the ones that say:

“If only you did”
“If only you were ”
“If only your had … “ etc etc etc

The voices that compare you to another girl or that tell you you’ve wasted time. Those little voices think they have permanent residency in my head (which they don’t) and have been the most exhausting, gut wrenching part of “rehabbing THIS heart”. What I’m learning however … those voices, are only as powerful as what you give them credit for. I’m learning to take those thoughts captive (more so then ever) and am in the process of identifying new voices. Your words helped. I’m living breathing proof that the sustainability of your thoughts and prayers have created new levels of awareness and though I’m not sure I’ve reached the end of this chapter, am confident I’m closer than ever. Today I choose the voice of reason and the voice that leans not on my own understanding. It’s a moment to moment decision. One I know many of us have gotten the pleasure of wrestling with before.

I also know and have been told by people far wiser then I … A grateful heart prepares the way. Therefore in an effort to “prepare a new way” I’m eternally grateful for every single person who reads this and has allowed me to be myself (though not always proud of the behaviors) while I recalculate and regroup. I’m grateful for healing that come from tears and I’m grateful for my friends and family. I’m grateful for the laughter that Mila and Mathias bring daily and the chats my sister never gets tired of listening too … or my mom or my aunts or my best friends. I’m grateful for the divine appointments I’ve had and the connections that have resurfaced after years of being dormant. I’m also really really really grateful for your prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and know they have kept me afloat. I’m also grateful The Lord never gets tired of me asking Why or Are we there yet! I’m grateful my temper tantrums have not created a rift and appreciate the deep knowingness that if I knew what was coming I wouldn’t worry about where I was today … even in the midst of twists and turns.

Alternative Ending

With a super sad spirit, puffy eyes and a heart broken into a million pieces I write this blog as I journey into unfamiliar territory. It’s been about a month since the love of my life confessed I was not the love of his and called off the wedding. For those who did not already know I apologize as knowing what to say and to who has been a challenge. Clearly this was not my choice and something I was not prepared for. I loved Scott with every part of me and was so excited for this next step in our relationship but am trusting all of this will eventually make sense. I don’t love how it all transpired, am confused with the timing and am sick knowing less then two weeks after he called things off with me he was in love with and is now in a committed relationship with another girl. It’s certainly a feeling I’ve never felt before and one I hope passes quickly. All I know for now is I can walk away confident that my journey with Scott, though different then what I intended, is something I can be proud of and one I know I gave my entire heart to. He was my life for a long time … I contended and fought hard for this relationship and know my love for him was without regret and a daily, selfless choice.

So what happens from here:

In 35 years I have never been in this spot. It’s an open canvass to some … a playing field to another and a time to regroup and “find clarity” for those who love these momentary pauses. For me it’s my worst nightmare. I’m an independent girl and have ALWAYS known “the next step” far before ever having to take it. Up until this point my decisions have been made with ease. They have been innate and fluid and organic. I like order and structure and certainty. I love schedules and to do lists. I often joke that “I love change” and am most comfortable in “uncomfortable” situations but quickly find those words carry different weight when “change” happens TO YOU. Therefore the answer to “what’s next” is … I have NO IDEA.

But … in the midst of having “no clue” and being a little bit of a hot mess I’m learning and trusting (possibly for the first time EVER) to find and follow the only thing that makes any sense. Peace. I trust there is a new plan. I trust, though not fully … yet … this will eventually be something I understand and can be thankful for. I also trust the Lord’s hand on my life. Therefore it’s peace I’m on the hunt for. It’s peace I want to partner with, peace I want to shake hands with and peace I want to explore.

The peace in this moment has been found in Huntington Beach with my best friend. Literally … Most amazing person, most hilarious guy, most encouraging friend … he’s been my partner in CRIME and has helped cultivate a place of peace. The ocean, the palm trees and the wine … they help too … but Steve has been a mighty force and a place of refuge. I am so grateful for his friendship, more so then ever before and have a new appreciation of what friendship looks like.

From this moment to the next however is anybodys guess … it’s the Alternative Ending to a story I thought was already written. And please for the love of Jesus make this the better of the two endings. Make this the one that leaves people in tears … let this be the one that encourages others and increases our ability to dream and to trust that closed doors and broken hearts and puffy eyes and tears everyday for a MONTH aren’t but brief moments of pain quickly forgotten when hope arises.

	lifecorked on Feels like HOME!
	Lynda on Feels like HOME!
	ltrwaters on Feels like HOME!
	Lynda on The Morning After …
	lifecorked on Tiny Voices

oneblessedgirl555

This WordPress.com site is the cat’s pajamas