Tiny Voices

In truth I’m overwhelmed by the sweet messages, texts, emails, phone calls and comments. I have joked that I’m not currently the best version of myself but appreciate (more then you know) the amazing, supportive friends I have both near and far.

If I’m honest the hardest part of this particular transition are these tiny little voices … the ones that say:

“If only you did”
“If only you were ”
“If only your had … “ etc etc etc

The voices that compare you to another girl or that tell you you’ve wasted time. Those little voices think they have permanent residency in my head (which they don’t) and have been the most exhausting, gut wrenching part of “rehabbing THIS heart”. What I’m learning however … those voices, are only as powerful as what you give them credit for. I’m learning to take those thoughts captive (more so then ever) and am in the process of identifying new voices. Your words helped. I’m living breathing proof that the sustainability of your thoughts and prayers have created new levels of awareness and though I’m not sure I’ve reached the end of this chapter, am confident I’m closer than ever. Today I choose the voice of reason and the voice that leans not on my own understanding. It’s a moment to moment decision. One I know many of us have gotten the pleasure of wrestling with before.

I also know and have been told by people far wiser then I … A grateful heart prepares the way. Therefore in an effort to “prepare a new way” I’m eternally grateful for every single person who reads this and has allowed me to be myself (though not always proud of the behaviors) while I recalculate and regroup. I’m grateful for healing that come from tears and I’m grateful for my friends and family. I’m grateful for the laughter that Mila and Mathias bring daily and the chats my sister never gets tired of listening too … or my mom or my aunts or my best friends. I’m grateful for the divine appointments I’ve had and the connections that have resurfaced after years of being dormant. I’m also really really really grateful for your prayers. I believe in the power of prayer and know they have kept me afloat. I’m also grateful The Lord never gets tired of me asking Why or Are we there yet! I’m grateful my temper tantrums have not created a rift and appreciate the deep knowingness that if I knew what was coming I wouldn’t worry about where I was today … even in the midst of twists and turns.

Alternative Ending

With a super sad spirit, puffy eyes and a heart broken into a million pieces I write this blog as I journey into unfamiliar territory.  It’s been about a month since the love of my life confessed I was not the love of his and called off the wedding.  For those who did not already know I apologize as knowing what to say and to who has been a challenge.  Clearly this was not my choice and something I was not prepared for.  I loved Scott with every part of me and was so excited for this next step in our relationship but am trusting all of this will eventually make sense.  I don’t love how it all transpired, am confused with the timing and am sick knowing less then two weeks after he called things off with me he was in love with and is now in a committed relationship with another girl. It’s certainly a feeling I’ve never felt before and one I hope passes quickly. All I know for now is I can walk away confident that my journey with Scott, though different then what I intended, is something I can be proud of and one I know I gave my entire heart to. He was my life for a long time … I contended and fought hard for this relationship and know my love for him was without regret and a daily, selfless choice.

So what happens from here:

In 35 years I have never been in this spot. It’s an open canvass to some … a playing field to another and a time to regroup and “find clarity” for those who love these momentary pauses. For me it’s my worst nightmare. I’m an independent girl and have ALWAYS known “the next step” far before ever having to take it. Up until this point my decisions have been made with ease. They have been innate and fluid and organic. I like order and structure and certainty. I love schedules and to do lists. I often joke that “I love change” and am most comfortable in “uncomfortable” situations but quickly find those words carry different weight when “change” happens TO YOU. Therefore the answer to “what’s next” is … I have NO IDEA.

But … in the midst of having “no clue” and being a little bit of a hot mess I’m learning and trusting (possibly for the first time EVER) to find and follow the only thing that makes any sense. Peace. I trust there is a new plan. I trust, though not fully … yet … this will eventually be something I understand and can be thankful for. I also trust the Lord’s hand on my life. Therefore it’s peace I’m on the hunt for. It’s peace I want to partner with, peace I want to shake hands with and peace I want to explore.

The peace in this moment has been found in Huntington Beach with my best friend. Literally … Most amazing person, most hilarious guy, most encouraging friend … he’s been my partner in CRIME and has helped cultivate a place of peace. The ocean, the palm trees and the wine … they help too … but Steve has been a mighty force and a place of refuge. I am so grateful for his friendship, more so then ever before and have a new appreciation of what friendship looks like.

From this moment to the next however is anybodys guess … it’s the Alternative Ending to a story I thought was already written. And please for the love of Jesus make this the better of the two endings. Make this the one that leaves people in tears … let this be the one that encourages others and increases our ability to dream and to trust that closed doors and broken hearts and puffy eyes and tears everyday for a MONTH aren’t but brief moments of pain quickly forgotten when hope arises.